One in Three Choose Funeral Condolence Money Amount Based on Relationship with the Deceased, Survey on Etiquette Also Conducted

Is There a Standard for Condolence Money Amounts? What Makes a Thoughtful Return Gift?

When attending a funeral, preparing condolence money (koden) is an unavoidable custom.

When it comes time to decide the amount, many may wonder: "How much should I give?" or "Should the amount change based on age or social status?"

To explore these questions, NEXER Group and Murata Funeral Service, a funeral home based in Matsuyama, Ehime Prefecture, conducted a joint survey targeting 500 men and women nationwide who had previously attended a funeral. The results have been published on their website and are introduced here.

※ When quoting this press release, please adhere to the following: ・ Clearly state the source as "a survey conducted by NEXER Group Corporation and Murata Funeral Service" ・ Include a link to Murata Funeral Service (https://www.murata-group.co.jp/) ・ Include a link to the relevant article (https://www.murata-group.co.jp/葬儀の香典3人に1人以上が金額は故人との関係/)

Survey Overview: "Condolence Return Gift Survey" Method: Online questionnaire Period: May 6 – May 17, 2026

Target Respondents: Men and women across Japan who answered "yes" to having attended a funeral in a prior screening survey

Valid Responses: 500 samples Survey Questions: Question 1: How do you decide the amount of condolence money?

Question 2: Please explain your reasoning.

Question 3: Have you ever received a return gift that you particularly appreciated?

Question 4: If so, what was it and why did you appreciate it?

Question 5: Conversely, have you ever received a return gift that caused inconvenience or confusion?

Question 6: If so, what was it and why was it problematic?

Question 7: Have you ever been unsure about funeral attire etiquette?

Question 8: If so, what specifically caused your uncertainty?

※ Percentages are rounded to the nearest hundredth, so totals may not sum to exactly 100%.

35.8% Decide Amount Based on "Relationship with the Deceased" (e.g., family, friend, work connection)

First, we investigated how people determine the amount of condolence money.

35.8% responded they decide based on their relationship with the deceased (e.g., family, friend, work connection), while 33.4% said they refer to general market standards (regional or age-based guidelines).

Below are selected reasons provided by respondents for each approach.

Reasons for deciding based on "relationship with the deceased":

・ I decide based on my closeness to the person. (Male, 20s)

・ For someone I wasn't close to, my grief isn't as deep, so I don't feel compelled to give a large amount. (Female, 30s)

・ If I was close to the person or had a strong connection, I want to express my feelings with a larger amount. (Female, 30s)

・ There are customary amounts based on relationships, so I refer to those. (Male, 40s)

・ I want to give more for someone I was close to. (Female, 50s)

・ Setting a fixed amount feels impersonal. (Male, 60s)

Reasons for referring to "general market standards":

・ I'm not well-versed in determining appropriate amounts. (Female, 20s)

・ It's the safest approach. (Male, 30s)

・ I want to give the same amount as others. (Male, 40s)

・ Giving too much might burden the bereaved family with the need to reciprocate. (Male, 40s)

・ I can't ask others, so I look it up online. (Female, 50s)

・ There are established customary amounts. (Female, 60s)

Those who base their decision on relationship often expressed a desire to give more for closer relationships.

While some consider general standards, many also adjust the amount based on their personal connection.

Given the variety of relationships—family, friends, colleagues, or those who provided support—it may be difficult to apply a one-size-fits-all rule.

Respondents who follow market standards often do so to avoid causing offense or to prevent burdening the bereaved family with excessive gifts.

Regional customs also play a role, with some mentioning they align their amount with what neighbors typically give.

12.8% Said They Received a Return Gift They Appreciated

Next, we asked whether respondents had ever received a return gift (koden-kaeshi) they particularly appreciated.

12.8% answered "yes," while 87.2% said "no."

For those who appreciated a gift, we asked what it was and why. Selected responses are below.

What return gifts were appreciated and why?

・ A catalog gift, allowing me to choose a useful household item. (Female, 20s)

・ A handwritten letter. It best conveyed the family's feelings. (Female, 30s)

・ Tea. Since I drink it daily, it was a welcome gift. (Male, 40s)

・ Non-perishable food items like snacks or drinks. (Male, 40s)

・ Premium nori (seaweed). It was delicious and something I wouldn't normally buy myself. (Female, 50s)

・ Incense. It was meaningful for prayer. (Male, 60s)

Catalog gifts were frequently appreciated because they allow recipients to choose something they actually need or enjoy.

Items people wouldn't typically buy for themselves, such as premium food products, were also popular.

Some mentioned receiving a handwritten note, reflecting the bereaved family's thoughtfulness.

Conversely, we asked if respondents had ever received a return gift that caused inconvenience or confusion.

9.8% answered "yes."

While most had no such experience, nearly one in ten reported difficulties.

What kinds of return gifts caused issues? Selected responses are below.

What return gifts caused problems and why?

・ Unappetizing snacks. No one ate them. (Female, 20s)

・ Music boxes or decorative clocks that were just clutter. That's why I now often include a note in the condolence envelope saying no return gift is needed. (Male, 40s)

・ Bulky or perishable items. (Male, 40s)

・ A token half-amount refund. (Female, 50s)

・ Towels or other items that didn't match my taste. (Female, 60s)

It appears some received gifts that didn't suit their preferences or were bulky and hard to store.

Even food gifts may go unused if they don't match the recipient's tastes.

Bulky decorative items can pose storage and management challenges.

14.6% Reported Being Unsure About Funeral Attire Etiquette

Next, we surveyed whether respondents had ever been confused about funeral attire etiquette.

14.6% answered they had been unsure.

We asked what specifically caused their uncertainty. Selected responses are below.

How were you unsure about funeral attire?

・ Everything, including clothing, was new to me, so I didn't know what was appropriate. (Female, 20s)

・ I wasn't sure what kind of bag to bring. (Female, 30s)

・ It was sudden, so I didn't have time to prepare mourning clothes and attended the wake in casual wear. (Male, 30s)

・ I wasn't sure which accessories might be considered disrespectful. (Female, 40s)

・ What does "casual attire" mean in this context? (Male, 50s)

・ What to wear for a bone interment ceremony. (Male, 60s)

For first-time attendees, matters related to attire